Do you know the difference?

It is such a shame when women claim that they are so free to express their sexuality, are in reality just imitating someone else’s (usually a man’s) idea of what they think female sexuality should be. I would never tell anyone whether or not they are being authentic in their expression of their own sexuality, but the range of sexual expression is at least as broad as the range of human emotional expression, and maybe broader. But the range of most commonly what we see being portrayed as sexual expression is extremely limited and narrow as unsophisticated, silly little sex kitten-like behavior, which makes its authenticity highly suspect. Behaving in a stereotypical sexy female way is not harmful, as long as the actor has acknowledges it as such. It can be fun to behave like an airhead porn star–if that floats your boat, as long as you don’t take it on as your personality (if you are not indeed a genuine airhead porn star).

I was inspired to think about this topic by a CNN video clip I saw this morning, “Video Vixens too Revealing?

Women are so complex, therefore naturally female sexual expression is as well when it is genuine and emanates from deep within. But when women put themselves out there as only superficially sexy, and nothing else, the result is just a facade of sexual liberation, and it does not serve a woman’s interests at all. For starters, living a lie always eventually ends in unhappiness, because she is not honoring her self and her needs. She may become lost in her show, losing her grip on reality. Instead of meaningful relationships, she will experience the most shallow and flippant form of attention from males with short attention spans. Many, many men can see past cliche stereotypes and greatly appreciate a woman’s genuine sensual, sexual, feminine expression. Even others find it extremely attractive but can’t put a finger on exactly what it is they are attracted to. Female sexuality is vastly unlimited. It can be mysterious, breezy, shy, bold, ethereal, playful, aggressive, exotic, plain, elegant, graceful, butch, innocent, goofy, etc., and the list could go on for days. That sexuality can be expressed though a woman’s gait, voice, gestures, facial expressions, fashion, language, emotions, creativity, or any combination of these plus more.

Sexual expression is highly individual and unique, and therefore can include, but can not possibly be limited to writhing and gyrating, with mouths permanently stuck in a position to give cunnilingus at any second, conveying an overt message of submissive inferiority and desperation to be had sexually in the current moment! Female sexual expression can not possibly only consist of visuals of solely breasts and asses, because there is a whole body and mind to work with. As a tantra yoga instructor and feminist, I am certainly not a prude. Sexy is good, even if it is trashy sometimes, but that’s not all! I work with women to help them to look far beyond the confusion created by male media exploitation of female sexuality for profit to embrace their own healthy individual sexuality, in all its glorious diversity.

We should reclaim our sexual identity from simplified, superficial cliches. The first step is to be able to identify our own pleasure, and to simply distinguish it from the pleasure that is derived from pleasuring others. Of course I am not suggesting that we take on a selfish, every person for themselves attitude when it comes to sex. I am suggesting that you know how to experience a fair give and take in a sexual relationship, instead of exclusively pleasuring a partner, and thereby only getting a secondary, incidental pleasure for yourself. Ask yourself, what actually pleases ME?

Secondly, try not to define your sexual expression using someone or something else as your frame of reference. Just BE, which brings us all the way back to carefree sensuality. Broaden your sexually expressive horizons! It is not always necessary to overtly put sex on display to express your sexuality, because your sexual self is actually not separate from the rest of your self. Give up posing for others or imitating anyone. Don’t compare yourself to other women. Forget putting on the usual acts–talking in a babyish voice, walking with tiny steps with the feet in turnout like a two-year-old in a diaper, pretending to be unintelligent, or moving like a robot programmed to look sexy. Relax into your own sensual world and just be a part of it, without putting forth any effort at all and choose to allow your real self to show.